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In my last column I emphasized that a
common characteristic of individuals who are successful as business
leaders, teachers, parents, spouses, or healthcare professionals is
their ability to be empathic. Empathic people are skilled in placing
themselves inside the shoes of another person and seeing the world through
that person’s eyes. It is not surprising that Daniel Goleman listed
empathy as one of the main components of emotional intelligence. In
my activities as a therapist and consultant as well as in my personal
life, I have come to believe that empathy is implicated in all of our
relationships, impacting on the satisfaction and effectiveness with
which we interact with others.
As I noted in my last column, people who are empathic
have developed a mindset that asks, “In anything I say or do, am
I saying or doing it in a way in which other people will be most responsive
to listening to me?” By posing this question, I am not suggesting
that we assume the role of amateur psychologist, attempting to analyze
every word we utter in every interaction we have (if we did, we are
likely to become disorganized, overwhelmed, and paralyzed), but rather
that we keep in mind that if we want others to appreciate what we are
communicating, if we want others to respond to and work cooperatively
with us, then we must consider their perspective and how they perceive
us. I know that I attempt to use empathy to guide all aspects of my
work, influencing not only what I say, but how I say things, and directing
the kinds of questions I ask that will nurture empathy in others. For
instance, when I am engaged in marital therapy it is not unusual for
me to ask each spouse to describe how he or she feels the other views
the marriage, or to ask parents to describe how they think their child
sees them, or to ask business leaders how their employees would describe
them. These questions have a common purpose, namely, to assess and place
the spotlight on empathy.
In my workshops I am frequently asked if empathy can be
learned. The question is posed in several forms. Those raising or working
with children wonder if there are ways of increasing a child’s
capacity to be empathic, especially aware that a lack of empathy can
be a risk factor that compromises the formation of friendships and even
contributes to some children hurting others. Parents have also wondered
whether their own ability to be empathic can be strengthened. In a similar
fashion business leaders have asked what is necessary to enhance empathy
in themselves and in their employees. While some individuals, such as
those with so-called easy temperaments who grow up in homes where empathy
is an essential ingredient of family life, will have an easier time
developing empathy than others, I believe it is a skill that can be
nurtured even in those children and adults who I would describe as having
an “empathy deficit.” Before considering what steps we can
take to strengthen empathy in ourselves, it may be helpful to examine
briefly some of the obstacles that we may face as we take these steps.
An increased awareness of these obstacles will lessen their potency
and make them easier to manage.
- A Lack of Models: If we grew up in a home in
which our parents were not empathic, in which our communications were
not validated, in which we were told how we should feel or not feel,
it is more difficult to learn to take the perspective of another person.
While having empathic parents does not guarantee that we will become
empathic, it is certainly an important factor. I recall an initial
family therapy meeting in which a teenage girl mentioned that she
felt very depressed. Her mother responded, “But there’s
no reason for you to be depressed. We give you everything you need
and we’re a loving family.” While mother’s intention
may have been to be reassuring, her failure to acknowledge what her
daughter was saying led the daughter to withdraw and become more sullen.
If mother had been empathic and validated what her daughter had said
(e.g., “I’m glad you could let us know how you feel. Together
we can try to figure out what would help you to feel less depressed”),
I am certain her daughter would have been more responsive and in addition,
would have been exposed to someone demonstrating empathy.
- Empathy Is Sacrificed when We Are Upset, Angry,
or Disappointed with the Other Person (People): While most individuals
consider themselves to be empathic, in fact, it is difficult to be
empathic when we are frustrated or angry with others. I have witnessed
people who are angry say hurtful things to their children, their spouse,
their students, their employees that they would not have said if they
were less stressed and frustrated. For example, I was seeing a shy,
socially immature seven-year-old boy in therapy who received an invitation
to go to a classmate’s birthday party. He was very excited since
he typically was not invited to such events. However, the party proved
to be a disaster when several of the other boys said to him that he
didn’t belong at the party. When his mother came to pick him
up, he was seated by himself, looking withdrawn and sad. While his
mother was a caring person, when she saw him all alone, her anxiety
and frustration about his isolation from peers was aroused and she
said to him, “No wonder you don’t have any friends, you
always sit by yourself!” The moment these words were uttered
she wished she could take them back, especially as she observed her
son’s tears. She cried as she described this situation at our
next meeting, saying that she couldn’t believe she would say
something like this to her son. Her anxiety and disappointment had
interfered with her capacity to be empathic and offer her son the
support he needed.
- I’m Right, You’re Wrong! There are
a number of people who have a reflex negative reaction towards anyone
who has an opinion different from theirs. They feel threatened when
someone questions their point of view, immediately becoming defensive
and failing to appreciate the other person’s perspective. Their
entire demeanor suggests that they are poised for attack and will
not permit alternative views to enter their space. I consulted with
one manager who had lost a number of his staff. At first he voiced
surprise that so many had quit, believing that he encouraged and welcomed
their input. However, what I learned in my consultation was that when
an employee voiced concern about how difficult it was to give him
feedback since he became angry if the feedback was not totally positive,
he confirmed this observation by abruptly telling this employee that
the latter had “difficulty with authority.” This manager’s
need to be right and his intense defensiveness blinded him from seeing
other possible perspectives. I have seen the same dynamic in parent-child
relationships as well as teacher-child relationships. It is difficult
to be empathic when we are constantly defensive and not willing to
listen to others. Collaboration, cooperation, and teamwork are virtually
impossible to achieve under such conditions.
Given these obstacles, what is it that we can do to strengthen
our ability to be empathic? What follows are some guidelines and exercises.
While they may be based on commonsense, they require practice and diligence
and sometimes the input or feedback of another person who can offer
an objective view. However, I believe that if we can keep these guidelines
in focus, we can achieve greater empathy.
- Accept that Empathy is a Vital Skill for Successful
Relationships: This acceptance typically demands that we must
be very clear about what empathy is and is not. Some people confuse
being empathic with giving in or not being assertive. Empathy has
nothing to do with giving in. One can be empathic and yet disagree
with another person. One can be empathic and validate what another
person is saying, but have an entirely different view of the situation.
For instance, an excellent teacher I knew was accused by one of her
students of not being fair when he had to serve detention for insulting
other students. He had already been given a warning. Rather than become
defensive and recite a litany of examples of things that this student
had done to warrant detention, the teacher said, “I know you
think I’m not fair and I’m glad you could tell. Since that
is how you feel, I think it’s important for us to review what
led up to the detention, especially since I would not like to see
it happen again and I don’t want you to think I’m not being
fair.” By first validating the student’s perception, the
teacher created a climate in which this student was less defensive
and more open to listening to the teacher’s point of view, resulting
in the student eventually taking responsibility for his own behavior.
- Exercise, Exercise, Exercise: In my workshops
I use the following exercise both to highlight the importance of empathy
and to provide participants with an activity to strengthen their ability
to be empathic. If my talk is for teachers, I ask them to use a few
words to describe a teacher they liked and a few words to describe
a teacher they did not like when they were students. I then observe
that just as they have words to describe their teachers, their students
have words to describe them. I next say, “What if I interviewed
your students and asked them to describe you. What words would you
hope they use to describe you? What words would they actually use?
How close would the words you hope they use be to the words they actually
use?” I also ask them to think about what changes they have to
make so that the actual descriptions would be closer to the desired
descriptions.
Similarly, in my presentations for parents or healthcare professionals
or business leaders, I ask them to reflect upon how their children
or clients/patients or employees would describe them and how they
hoped they would describe them. What this exercise accomplishes is
to emphasize that every time we interact with others they form an
image of us and that this image will play a large role in determining
how comfortably and cooperatively they will relate to us. By asking
how others see us, it vividly calls attention to the significance
of empathy. I have had many people say to me that they kept the questions
involved in these exercises in mind as they interacted with their
children or students or employees or patients and that by doing so
it enhanced these relationships.
- Treat Others as We Would Want to Be Treated:
Closely linked to the exercises I prescribe is a question we must
consider as we interact with others, namely, “When we say or
do things with our child (student, employee, patient), would we want
anyone to say or do things to us in the same way?” I recall observing
a young child spilling a glass of milk in a restaurant. In response,
his father slapped his hand and said, “What’s the matter
with you? You never think about what you’re doing. Use your brains!”
I wondered how that father would have felt if he had spilled something,
and someone had slapped his hand and yelled at him. Would the father
have learned anything or would he mainly be resentful? Or, let’s
take the earlier example of the manager who responded to someone disagreeing
with him by accusing that person of having “problems with authority.”
How would this manager feel if his boss disagreed with something he
said by dismissing his comments and yelling, “You have trouble
with authority.” As another example, which I described in my
last column, how would teachers who constantly exhorted students who
were struggling in school to “try harder” feel if they were
having difficulty with aspects of their job and instead of offering
support their principal said, “You wouldn’t have these problems
if you tried harder and put in more effort!”?
- Honesty and Self-Reflection: While my recommendations
for promoting empathy may on the surface appear easy to accomplish,
we all too often fail to consider or practice them. If we find ourselves
constantly at odds with others, if our relationships are marked by
anger, stress, and conflict, if others tend to tune us out, then it
is advantageous to us as well as advantageous to those with whom we
interact to engage in self-reflection and examine with honesty and
a lack of defensiveness the obstacles to our becoming more empathic.
For instance, a father with whom I was working regularly recited to
his son a list of things that he thought needed improvement (e.g.,
homework being done on time, keeping a cleaner room, having “better”
friends). His son’s behavior did not change. The father said,
“He doesn’t listen to me.” I wondered what he could
do so that his son might listen to him and how he would feel if someone
recited the same list to him night after night after night. It was
as if a revelation struck this father when he said, “I would
probably do what my son does. Who wants to hear one negative thing
after another?” Consequently, father began to focus on things
his son did well, striving to lessen comments that his son experienced
as nagging. Their relationship improved noticeably.
As occurred with this father, self-reflection can help us to appreciate
what triggers our anger or disappointment, how we can speak with people
so that they will listen to us even when we are frustrated with them,
and how we would like others to treat us. In this process of self-reflection
and honesty, we may require the support and insight of an objective
person, perhaps a friend or relative with whom we feel comfortable.
If the obstacles persist, we should seek the guidance of a counselor/therapist.
And remember, if you have struggled for years with problems pertaining
to empathy, it may take a while to change. Don’t become discouraged.
I believe very strongly that the benefits of being empathic and having
satisfying personal and professional relationships warrant whatever
time and energy are required to accomplish this goal.
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