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At the conclusion of an evening presentation I gave for parents about "raising
resilient children," I invited the audience to ask questions. The
questions posed were very relevant to the topic I had addressed and ones
that I am accustomed to hearing. They included:
"What do I do about sibling rivalry?"
"I have three children each with different kinds of temperament.
How do I meet their unique needs, including having appropriate expectations
for them, without each of them feeling I am not being fair?"
"My husband and I have very different discipline styles. He feels
I don't set limits on our children and I let them get away with doing
anything they want. I feel he's too strict. How do we resolve that problem?"
"How do I get my daughter to do her homework?"
"My kids never help out at home. They expect me to pick up their
dirty clothes. What can I do so that they will be more cooperative?"
"My eight-year-old son is shy. He told me that sometimes he felt
lonely. I keep telling him he has to make an effort to make friends,
but he says he just doesn't care. I'm at a loss to know what to say."
It is not unusual after a Q&A period with the entire audience for
parents to come up to speak with me privately. Understandably, some are
hesitant to share concerns they have about their children in the presence
of neighbors. Others have said to me that they tend to be shy and don't
like to speak in public. Still others begin with the statement, "I
didn't want to bring this up in front of other people because it might
sound silly." In my experience these "silly" questions
are not silly at all and are actually on the minds of most parents. Such
was the case at a presentation I offered last year. A couple approached
me. Since they were the last people on line I had a little more time
to speak with them.
They told me that they were parents of a four-year-old daughter and
a six-year-old son. The mother spoke first.
"This might seem like a silly question, but since you spoke about
teaching kids to be respectful, do you think it's okay to expect a four-year-old
to say words like 'please' and 'thank you'?"
I replied, "I certainly think it's okay." Then I smiled
and said with some levity, "Without wishing to sound too much like
a psychologist, I'm curious why you're asking."
The mother said once again, "I hope this doesn't sound silly,
but we've noticed that some of our friends don't seem to ask their children
to use polite words like 'please' or 'thank you' or 'excuse me.' As a
matter of fact, one of the reasons I'm asking is the other day a friend
was over with her five-year-old daughter. When my daughter asked for
a glass of juice she didn't use the word 'please.' I said to my daughter
in a nice way, 'How do we ask?' My daughter said, 'Mommy, can I have
a glass of juice, please.' When our daughters were both out of the room,
my friend said something that surprised me."
I asked, "What's that?"
"She said that she didn't insist her daughter say 'please' or
'thank you' since young kids really don't understand what that means."
I wondered, "What do you think?"
The father said, "My wife and I discussed it and we both think
that it's important for kids to be polite and respectful. But we wondered
if we're being overbearing when we remind our kids to say these words.
We're also wondering if our kids are just saying those words out of rote
and don't understand what the words really mean. Also, we notice that
a number of our friends' children rarely say 'please' or 'thank you'
or similar words."
I responded, "You've brought up some good questions. There are
several things I want to say, but I have a question first. You used the
word 'overbearing.' I wasn't certain what you meant by that. Have your
kids said or done something after you remind them to say 'please' or
'thank you' that makes you feel you've been overbearing?"
The mother responded, "Not really, but we find that we have to
remind them from time to time. After my friend said that young kids don't
understand what these words mean it got us to thinking that perhaps we
shouldn't insist they use these words."
"From your description,
it doesn't sound like you're being overbearing, " I
replied. "All kids have to be reminded from time to time to use
words that have to do with being polite and respectful. I think we can
begin to teach them these words at an early age, certainly by the time
most kids are three. However, when we do teach them these words we should
explain what the words mean and why it's important to use them. This
will lessen the likelihood that our kids just use them in a rote way
without appreciating their significance. I think that we can explain
even to young children that these words are a way of being nice to other
people and that when the words are used, other people will be nicer and
more responsive to them."
I added, "I wouldn't be worried if at first kids use the words
in a rote way. Our responsibility as parents is to explain important
ideas so that our children learn to appreciate the relevance of these
ideas."
Both parents thanked me, saying my comments validated their own beliefs
as parents.
As I drove home that night I was pleased that this mother and father
found my remarks validating, but I also found it interesting that a parental
responsibility as basic as nurturing in young children their social and
emotional intelligence and reinforcing their ability to act with respect
and kindness aroused doubts. I thought of my delight in observing my
son Rich and his wife Cybele skillfully beginning to teach my granddaughter
Maya the importance of being polite when she was about three-years-old.
I am certain they will do the same with their younger daughter Sophia.
Other thoughts crossed my mind that had a different flavor, thoughts
of young adults who received copies of my books as gifts and never conveyed
a thank you via phone, card, or e-mail. I may be old-fashioned, but I
believe that when someone receives a gift, a brief acknowledgement of
appreciation is in order. In one instance, I had given a book to a friend
whose son was doing graduate studies in the field of child development.
The son was living out-of-town and my friend was going to see him. Several
months later I still had not received a note from her son. When I asked
my friend if he had received the book, she said yes and wondered why
I had asked. I mentioned that I had not heard from him. Most likely she
was embarrassed and offered as an excuse that he had been busy with his
studies. Interestingly, I gave her and her husband a copy of the same
book at the same time I gave her one for her son and she wrote me a lovely
thank you note within a couple of days. I have yet to receive a note
from her son.
I was reminded last week of the topic of "social graces" when
I read an article by Barbara Meltz in The Boston
Globe. The article described
a practice at the Tobin School in Natick, a suburb of Boston, attended
by children pre-kindergarten through second grade. As part of the "curriculum" the
school teaches four-year-olds to say hello to their classmates using
their names and avoiding any putdowns.
Meltz writes, "The lesson in greetings, all seven or so minutes
of it, is part of an etiquette curriculum written by head of school Michelle
Keating. It's not that she's a throwback to the '60s or wants to turn
out robotic children. Rather, she sees manners as fundamental to character
development, a way for even very young children to connect with others
in positive, respectful ways, and as an antidote to an increasingly rude
popular culture."
Meltz notes that Jill Rigby, author of Raising
Respectful Children in a Disrespectful World, supports the kind of program offered at The
Tobin School. Rigby, commenting on children using each other's name,
observes, "Even
four-year-olds get that there is an inherent need to have people call
us by our name." Meltz writes, "Simply knowing each other's
names gives children a new response. That not only reduces bullying but
also helps children internalize behaviors that make for a more respectful
society."
Dr. Ron Taffel, a New York City psychologist and friend who has written
several books about parenting, views manners as the building blocks of
empathy, "an enlightened attempt to familiarize kids with their
impact on each other. It's part of the human condition to feel better
about oneself if you treat others empathetically and are treated back
in kind. That's true even for young children."
My colleague Dr. Sam Goldstein and I are just completing a book about
raising self-disciplined children. It outlines effective forms of discipline
that nurture resilience and respect rather than contempt, resentment,
and anger. We emphasize that discipline should always be seen as a teaching
process. When we teach manners, we have the opportunity to nurture such
important qualities as empathy, caring, respect, and self-discipline
— all qualities that Daniel Goleman includes under the concept of emotional
intelligence.
As parents we must model the behaviors we are trying to teach. If parents
yell at each other or at their children, if they regularly use obscene
language, if they tell racial, ethnic, or religious jokes, if they talk
about others in a demeaning way, then it is difficult for children to
learn social skills and respect. Children learn far more from our actions
than from what we preach.
In addition, as noted in the conversation I had with the parents at
my presentation, we must help our children to understand why we should
use words like "please" and "thank you" and refrain
from uttering words that are hurtful. Conveying this kind of understanding
is a process that is not learned in one lesson, but it can begin at an
early age.
For some, the word "manners" conjures up images of children
sitting with their hands folded rigidly in front of them and overly strict
parents adhering to the belief that "children should be seen and
not heard." Obviously, this is not the way that Ron Taffel, myself,
or many others perceive manners. Rather, the word suggests a way of behaving
that is characterized by empathy, caring, and respect for oneself and
others. It is as important for children to learn these skills as it is
for them to master skills associated with academic achievements.
One last observation. It can be fun to teach children to be respectful,
even if they do not totally comprehend our lesson plan at the time. My
two and 1/2 year-old grandson Teddy was visiting a few days ago. He saw
the swivel chair in my study, took my hand, and gleefully said, "Play,
Bob" (he has yet to master the word "grandpa"). He climbed
on my chair and I knew that he wanted me to spin him around. I playfully
said, "Play, please." I spun him around much to his and my
delight. It is amazing the activities that delight a young child (or
his grandfather).
An hour later Teddy took my hand again, brought me back into the study,
and said, "Play, please." I smiled and replied, "Thanks
for asking." I am certain Teddy doesn't know the meaning of "please" or "thanks" at
this point, but these words have now been introduced and will be reinforced
on many occasions in the future by his parents Doug and Suzanne and others.
I believe that my grandchildren and all children can discover the satisfaction
that derives from relationships in which politeness and respect shine.
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