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My last three columns have been devoted to the topic of
how the inborn temperament of children influences their development and
the ways in which adults respond to them. In my April column I focused
on the characteristics of so-called "difficult" children. These
youngsters may show some or all of the following behaviors: they are not
easily satisfied, often feel adults are unfair, view the glass as half
or totally empty, typically overreact to situations, are inflexible and
unwilling to compromise if they do not get their way, and are prone to
tantrums and outbursts. While some people have found the word "difficult"
too negative and have applied other labels such as the "challenging"
child or the "spirited" child, the fact remains that for most
parents the task of raising these youngsters is more demanding and more
emotionally draining than raising a temperamentally "easy" child.
I noted in last month’s article that there are actions
that parents, teachers, and other adults can take to help temperamentally
difficult children lead a more satisfying, optimistic life. I emphasized
that these actions include: (a) becoming as knowledgeable as possible
about temperamental differences in children so that we do not blame them
(or ourselves) for causing their behaviors, (b) learning to accept our
children for who they are rather than what we want them to be in order
that we establish what is called a "goodness-of-fit" between
our expectations and our child’s temperament, and (c) moving from
a "crisis intervention" or reactive approach to a "crisis
prevention" or proactive approach. A proactive parent consistently
asks, "What can I do in advance to create an environment that will
minimize my child’s difficulties and help my child learn more adaptive
ways of handling problems?"
In this column and in my June column I will articulate what
I believe to be some of the main guideposts necessary to develop and implement
an effective proactive approach at home and at school. I decided to devote
an additional column to this topic because of the many letters I have
received in the past month from parents who are raising temperamentally
difficult children. They not only asked important questions pertaining
to interacting with their child but noted that they were looking forward
to hearing my suggestions about assuming a crisis prevention, proactive
stance.
I quickly discovered as I begin to write this month’s
column that if I were to do justice to their questions and describe the
components of a proactive approach in more than a cursory manner, one
article would not suffice. It is for this reason that I will use this
as well as my column in June to examine this approach in greater detail.
I should emphasize that the ideas articulated in this column are intended
as general guidelines to be modified and applied based upon the particular
characteristics of the child as well as the style and values of the parents
and other adults in the child’s life. It is not an exhaustive list
but hopefully will provide key guideposts for interacting with temperamentally
difficult children.
One other preliminary point before reviewing these guidelines.
I believe that if your child’s temperament is causing you and your
family ongoing stress and tension, it may be helpful to seek assistance
from a mental health professional who is well-versed in the pressures
of raising these challenging youngsters. I should emphasize that in my
clinical practice I often spend less time with the child and more time
with parents and teachers. I do this since I have found that temperamentally
difficult, inflexible, rigid children are less likely to change unless
the adults in their lives are willing to make some initial changes.
Selected Guidelines for a Proactive Approach
- Reflect upon your child’s temperament and make a
list of the behaviors that you would like to see changed; then ask yourself
what are the truly important behaviors that should be addressed. Many
parents have told me that the list they create pertaining to their temperamentally
difficult youngsters fills several pages. Consequently, it is important
to prioritize the behaviors. Some behaviors are not worth battling about
while others pertaining to safety issues cannot be ignored.
For example, in one household parents stopped nagging their children
about forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste tube or pushing the
toothpaste from the bottom of the tube since they realized there are
more important issues involved in teaching children responsibility—also,
I have never seen a study showing any correlation between remembering
to put the cap on a toothpaste tube or from which end to press the tube
and success later in life.
As you select which behaviors to focus upon, remember a few additional
guidelines. Obviously, if your child’s actions pertain to issues
of safety and security, they deserve immediate attention. Once these
urgent behaviors have been addressed, decide upon a couple of the most
important behaviors that require modification—only a couple so
that your agenda for change does not overwhelm your child. And in the
selection process continue to ask yourself, "Is this issue really
important? Is it worth the battle that is likely to ensue? Are there
more important areas to which I should attend?"
To assist you to answer these questions assume what I call a "helicopter
view." Rise above the situation and examine your children’s
lives from a helicopter perspective. Look at where they’ve been,
where they are at now, and where you hope they go. As one mother of
a difficult nine-year-old girl told me after taking this helicopter
view, "I didn’t appreciate how much she really has changed.
When you are struggling each day you sometimes forget what she was like
just a year ago. There was something else I discovered when I took this
helicopter view. I realized that certain things that I keep getting
after her about that always lead to arguments might not be worth the
fight, such as whether she makes her bed or finishes all of her breakfast."
- Once you have selected a couple of behaviors, ask yourself,
"Before I can expect my children to change, what is it that I can
modify in my approach to make it easier for my children to alter their
behaviors?" This question is not intended to suggest that parents
are to blame for the behavior of their temperamentally difficult children
but rather that they play an important role in helping to modify these
behaviors.
As an illustration, a set of parents with three children characterized
most meal times in their home as "very tense and problematic"
because their youngest child, a five-year-old hyperactive boy with a
difficult temperament, often "fell off his chair and crawled away
from the table." They selected this behavior as a top priority
to change since it had such a "disruptive impact on family life."
Their typical response was to yell at him and tell him to return to
the table and "sit still" (a truly impossible task for this
hyperactive child). They reported that this behavior had been occurring
for years (we must remember that he was only five) and he had still
not learned to sit in his seat during mealtime although they gave him
constant reminders. The father said, "It’s a pleasure to eat
with our older two children, but I dread eating with him." When
I wondered why they thought he wasn’t sitting still, his mother
said, "We know he is hyper, but there’s no reason he can’t
sit for a half hour. Sometimes I feel he’s doing it to get attention."
In my meeting I empathized with the parents’ frustration. I also
realized that if the situation in the house were to change it was important
for the parents to take the first steps and change their ineffective
"negative script" (please see my January, 2000 column about
changing negative scripts). Consequently, I wondered what might occur
if instead of yelling at their son they modified their usual approach
and said, "We can see you need to move around. If you have to get
up from the table that’s okay as long as you don’t disturb
anyone. You can return when you’re ready. We’ll leave your
food on the table until we’re all finished."
At first, the parents, especially the father, were hesitant to do this,
feeling they were giving in to the child. However, since their approach
was not working, they were willing to attempt what I recommended, which
included giving the same choice to the two older siblings. This intervention
worked very well. Their son got up a couple of times during each meal,
walked into the other room, and then came back. The older siblings did
not feel the need to get up. Dinner became a more relaxed time even
with their five-year-old getting up from the table and, if anything,
he became more responsible, not less, about finishing his meal.
Just recently at one of my parent workshops, a mother described her
challenging daughter. "She always blames others for her problems.
She never takes responsibility for anything. For example, if she bumps
into a chair in the house she will blame me for putting the chair in
her way. You can’t argue with her."
I suggested that she shouldn’t argue but rather change her script
and ask what she could do differently so as not to engage in a power
struggle with her daughter. We discussed what the new script might be,
"Thanks for telling me that the chair was not in the right place.
Can you help me put it in the right place so no one will bump into it?"
In offering this possible response I emphasized the importance of humor
and playfulness in relating to temperamentally difficult youngsters
(it also helps us to keep our sanity). In my workshops and clinical
practice I often say, "If our kids are driving us crazy, let’s
drive them a little crazy, but in a nice way. Let’s do something
unpredictable. They will wonder what’s happening." I say this
with humor but my message is serious since I have witnessed firsthand
how a small modification in our approach may lead to very positive changes
in our children.
- If the changes we make in our approach are to be effective
we must practice empathy and see the world through the eyes of our temperamentally
difficult child. This does not mean we endorse our child’s behavior,
but rather we attempt to understand his/her perspective. If our child
says, "You’re unfair, you never spend any time with me,"
it is very easy to become defensive and say, "Yes, we do, you just
don’t appreciate anything we do for you." Such a comment will
serve only to heighten the child’s defensiveness. Instead, we should
first validate what our child is saying (validation does not imply you
agree with her/his statement). We can say, "I’m glad you could
tell us how you see things. We know that you feel we’re not always
fair when we ask you to be in bed by a certain time or don’t buy
you a toy. However, we see things differently. Maybe we can figure out
what will help."
Since temperamentally difficult children are known for their inflexibility,
it would not be surprising if they were to respond with anger even when
your comments are filled with understanding and empathy. If they do
respond in a negative way it is best to say, "I know you feel this
way, but I want you to think about what I have just said" and then
avoid entering into a lengthy discussion or argument. Keep in mind that
your child’s way of viewing things will not change overnight, but
it is important that once you understand his/her point of view and have
devised a plan of action, you should maintain your plan in as calm and
consistent a fashion as possible.
- As implied in Guideline 3, articulate clearly what you
see as the problem and ask your child if she/he also sees it as a problem.
Some parents have said to me that certain behaviors are definitely problems
(e.g., children insulting their siblings or children staying up well
beyond their bedtime) so why should we ask our children if these are
problems. However, I have found that what we as adults perceive to be
problems may be at odds with what children perceive to be problems.
Thus, when we ask them to change these behaviors, they feel we are being
unfair and will be less motivated to modify their actions. If children
disagree with our perspective we can always say, "I’m glad
I asked if you saw it as a problem. Since you don’t see things
the same way I do, I would like to explain why I think this is a problem."
Although this explanation may not be readily accepted, it can hopefully
serve as the start of a productive dialogue.
I recall parents who regularly yelled at their eight-year-old son to
put his toys away in the family room. His typical response was, "Why
should I have to do it, I will just take them out tomorrow. You’re
always telling me what to do and bossing me around." The parents
resorted to screaming back, "We always tell you what to do because
you never do what you’re supposed to." (I often suggest to
parents that the words "always" and "never" used
in this context are certain to lead to increased anger and a breakdown
of communication; I have never met anyone who likes to be told that
he/she "always" misbehaves or is "never" helpful.)
I discussed an alternative plan with he parents. They asked their son,
"Do you know why we ask you to put your toys away?"
He quickly responded, "To make my life miserable."
The parents were prepared for this answer and said, "No wonder
you wouldn’t want to listen to what we say if you think we do it
to make your life miserable." They then went on to explain why
they saw leaving the toys out as a problem (e.g., it was difficult to
walk in the room, toys could accidentally be stepped on or even thrown
away). Much to their surprise their usually inflexible son did not enter
into an argument with them, but actually listened. Since he was in a
responsive mood they said, "Maybe you would like help cleaning
up. It’s your choice. Would you like to put the toys away by yourself
or would you like one of us to do it with you?" Interestingly,
the boy opted to do it himself.
While the results will not always be as positive as they were in this
instance, there is more of a likelihood of success if parents keep in
mind that one of the goals of a proactive approach is to turn arguments
into constructive discussions and gain agreement about problematic family
issues. This goal will not be achieved if we expend all of our time
and energy attempting to convince our temperamentally difficult children
that their opinion of what is or is not a problem is wrong. As one temperamentally
difficult child said to me, "I will outlast you and my parents."
Given that kind of mindset, adults working with difficult youngsters
must walk a tightrope of validating what they are saying but offering
a different perspective for their future consideration.
I hope that as parents and other adults reflect upon the
points described in this column they will become more effective in interacting
with temperamentally difficult children. In my June column I will continue
this discussion of guidelines for raising and teaching these youngsters.
I will also discuss the resilience that many of these children demonstrate
when the adults in their lives provide the support and encouragement they
need and learn to focus on their "islands of competence" and
not just their areas of weakness.
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