|
|
|
I received a number of e-mails from readers about my February column that
described the ways in which the inborn temperament of children plays a
large role both in their development and how the adults in their lives
respond to them. Although most of the correspondence I received focused
on the parent-child relationship, other writers emphasized the importance
of appreciating temperamental differences in any relationship, including
teacher-student, husband-wife, employer-employee, co-workers, and friends.
As I have found during my workshops when I discuss temperament, the topic
triggers much thought.
In last month’s column I reviewed the work of two of
the pioneers in the field of examining differences in infant temperament,
psychiatrists Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. They and their colleagues
studied many infants and identified nine characteristics of temperament.
Based upon these characteristics they labeled three kinds of infants,
the "easy" child; the "slow-to-warm-up," cautious,
or shy child; and the "difficult" child. They noted that these
were not precise labels since a number of youngsters do not fit neatly
into any of these three groups while other appear to possess qualities
from more than one group. Although the labels may lack some precision,
I believe it is important for parents, teachers, and other adults to recognize
that there are differences in children from birth and that one’s
response to children should be based in part on awareness of their inborn
characteristics.
Much of the correspondence I received after my last column
concerned "slow-to-warm-up" and "difficult" children
rather than "easy" children. This was not surprising; I have
found that if a child has an "easy" temperament, which implies
they are easier to raise and educate, then parents and teachers typically
have fewer questions about responding to them. In this month’s column
I will describe several guidelines for interacting with "slow-to-warm-up"
or shy children, while next month’s column will be devoted to the
challenges of raising and educating the "difficult" child. Let’s
examine several of these guidelines.
- Perhaps one of the most important guidelines is to become
as knowledgeable as possible about temperamental differences in children.
Although there has been much research in the area of temperament, I
believe that this research has not been disseminated to the public to
the extent that it should, especially in terms of the significant impact
that temperament may have on a child’s development and an adult’s
reaction to the child. As one example, while some parents and educators
are quite knowledgeable about temperamental differences in children,
even stating, "I know each child is different from birth,"
they are also apt to say, "I treat each child the same since that
is the fair thing to do." However, if children are different from
birth then fairness should not be equated with treating all children
the same but rather treating them differently based on their unique
needs.
- We must learn to accept our children for who they are
and not just what we want them to be. Shy children are not being shy
on purpose. As a matter of fact, based on my work with many shy youngsters
(and adults), I know that they often experience a great deal of pain
and embarrassment because of their cautious nature and would love to
be more outgoing and gregarious. Accepting children for who they are
does not imply that we refrain from assisting them to modify those features
of their temperament that are causing them (and the adults in their
lives) distress, but rather that our assistance must be undertaken in
an empathic, caring way. Parents and other adults must take the first
steps to accommodate to the child’s style and not expect the child
to accommodate to ours. There is a concept in the field of child development
labeled "goodness-of-fit" that captures this accommodation.
"Goodness-of-fit" occurs when there is congruence between
the expectations of parents and the child’s temperament, interests,
and abilities.
In my last column I offered an example of a poor fit between a six-year-old
shy child and her mother. This mother’s anxiety prompted her to
ask her daughter each day after school, "Did you speak to other
kids today?" This question served only to increase this young child’s
anxiety. Not only was this girl upset that she had difficulty making
friends but also because of the disappointment she believed she was
causing her mother.
- Instead of exhorting cautious, shy youngsters to speak
up or look people in the eye, we must be empathic and communicate that
we understand their plight, that we are available to help, and that
there is hope for improvement. For example, I have often recommended
to parents that they say to their shy child, "We know it’s
not easy for you to say hello to people. It’s not easy for a lot
of kids. But maybe together we can figure out what will make it easier
because many kids who have trouble saying hello and speaking to other
people when they are young find it less difficult to do as they get
older."
I have seen the face of children light up when they hear this seemingly
simple statement from their parents. If we look closely at the components
of this comment we realize why it is so powerful. It is filled with
empathy ("We know it’s not easy for you to say hello to other
people"), it normalizes the situation ("It’s not easy
for a lot of kids"), it emphasizes we are available to help ("Maybe
together we can figure out what will make it easier"), and it offers
realistic hope ("Many kids who have trouble saying hello and speaking
to other people when they are young find it less difficult to do as
they get older").
- Once we have suggested to our children that there may
be ways of improving their situation, we can engage them in becoming
active participants in the process of arriving at realistic solutions
to help them to be less withdrawn. For example, one six-year-old boy
who had difficulty greeting people he did not know told his parents
that he thought he would be able to say at least one word, "hi."
His parents responded that was a "really good idea" and a
"really good start." After a short time of saying "hi"
and a few other words, this boy became more comfortable engaging in
longer conversations. It may be difficult with some children to figure
out even a small step that would help their shyness, but it has been
my experience that if children feel you are not criticizing them, that
you understand how they feel, and that you are genuinely joining their
journey to find a solution, the solution will be discovered more quickly.
- Especially with younger children, adults may have to
engage in what I call "environmental engineering" (I first
began to use this term when my sons went to a summer camp that had a
position called "environmental engineers." It was a position
that was the stepping stone to becoming a counselor. Although the title
had a sophisticated sounding name, environmental engineers were basically
in charge of cleaning up the camp. I liked the name but gave it a different
meaning in my work). Environmental engineering involves both behind
the scenes as well as direct work that we do at times to create opportunities
for our children to experience success. I recall a mother of a seven-year-old
shy girl who called her friend who also had a seven-year-old to arrange
a get- together. Once the arrangements were made, this mother took the
girls to a movie and then for some ice cream, activities that did not
require much talking, but allowed her daughter positive contact with
another child.
Basically, as parents we must provide our children with social interactions
that have a high probability of success. Each success will serve to
enhance our children’s self-confidence in their contact with others.
- Don’t embarrass or allow others to embarrass your
child. The typical reaction of shy and cautious children when approached
by people they do not know is to hide behind their parents or leave
the scene. Some parents in front of other people will whisper angrily
to their child, "Why can’t you say hello, why must you always
embarrass me?" In these instances, the other people usually hear
what is being said and the child becomes even more self-conscious. Some
parents wishing not to embarrass their child use the following technique,
but the results are often further humiliation and hurt. They say to
the other people, "My child is s-h-y, that’s why he’s
not t-a-l-k-i-n-g to you." The child may not spell yet but knows
something is not right.
If another person greets your child and then, in response
to your child not answering, utters an insensitive comment such as, "Oh,
he’s shy" or "Oh, he doesn’t like to talk" or
"Come on, you can say hello to me," I believe we should say
to this person, "My son (or daughter) is a wonderful child, but sometimes
takes a little longer to say hello until he (or she) gets to know you."
All of us would like our children to be socially adept and comfortable
at a very early age, but if they are temperamentally shy, it will not
help to criticize them. What they need to know is that we love and support
them even as they struggle to be more outgoing.
The same guidelines pertain to school. One of the most anxious moments
for a shy child is to be called on by the teacher. In my workshops I half-kiddingly
say that one does not have to be shy to become anxious when called upon.
I often ask the audience what would happen if I began to call on them.
Would they shout, "This is wonderful, I haven’t been called
on in 15 years. What an unexpected surprise. Please call on me, Bob!"?
Their laughter often suggests the anxiety that would occur should I call
upon them.
Given the high anxiety associated with being called
upon, what can teachers do for a shy child in school? At one of my workshops
for educators someone suggested that perhaps the safest approach is not
call on such a child. However, if the child is never called upon then
that child will never gain experiences speaking in class. One teacher’s
solution was to engage in what I would call "proactive environmental
engineering." On the first day of school she directly introduced
the topic that most students don’t like to be called on and asked
the class for possible reasons. Responses included that they were afraid
to make a mistake, that they were afraid if they made mistakes other kids
would make fun of them, and that some kids didn’t like to talk. She
then discussed the reasons she called on students and posed as a question
what she might do as a teacher and what they might do as a class to minimize
worries about being called upon. The very act of discussing this topic
lessened the anxiety of the students about being called on in class.
Some teachers I know have used another form of "proactive environmental
engineering" by actually informing students a day in advance of what
questions they would ask the next day. While some might argue that this
would make students more anxious as they contemplated being called upon
the following day, I have heard the opposite from teachers, namely, if
they select questions that are within the child’s level of expertise,
there is less worry about being called upon. One teacher said that it
was similar to "desensitizing" a shy child to a social situation.
Educators who do this recognize that most children who are shy or cautious
would love to feel more comfortable being an active participant in the
classroom.
As is evident from these various guidelines, one must recognize that there
are a number of children who are born slow-to-warm-up or shy. This may
be manifested in various ways. In this column I have focused on the issue
of shyness in social situations, although children may demonstrate cautiousness
in other situations as well (e.g., attempting a new sporting activity).
I have also described children whose shyness is not so extreme as to be
totally debilitating. However, there are children for whom shyness is
so intense that it falls within the umbrella of a "social phobia"
and represents a severe form of temperamental shyness, one that is often
accompanied by panic attacks when in social situations. If your child
suffers from this more extreme form, a consultation with a mental health
professional who specializes in children and adolescents is indicated.
It is important to remember that while children may be born "slow-to-warm-up"
or shy, if we accommodate to their style and develop a "goodness-of-fit"
between our expectations and behaviors and their temperament, we can create
an environment that will allow them to grow and develop. The alternative
is to raise children who feel unaccepted, who believe love is conditional
and based upon their behavior, who feel they have disappointed their parents,
and who often experience a diminishing of self-esteem and confidence.
Given this alternative, we should have as a top priority the nurturance
of a goodness-of-fit in our relationship with our children. In next month’s
column I will examine the challenge of developing a goodness-of-fit when
the child has a "difficult" temperament.
|
 |
|
|
